100 Days Too Long

It's unbelievable. It's actually been a 100 days since you've left our lives forever? That voice I once heard over and over with every phone call...it's really just another memory now? That urge to place my thumb on the dial button on my phone as I hit the word "grandpa" still hurts till this very day. I can't even bring myself to delete that contact detail and neither could I just ignore that I was once a Penang child too. I could listen to Scotland the Brave and think of how you used to wake us all up in the morning of the first day of Chinese New Year.

I'm never going to forget how it was to hear that you were in the hospital. How I cried in the arms of my boyfriend that night and how it was to hear that you were fine the very next day. I regret every minute of my life for taking you for granted. I regret how I used to just look at my computer instead of you every time I were home. I regret how I used to take your cooking of cold crabs and the amazing variation of mushrooms or even your fresh prawns in oil...I'd wish I could take that all back but it's only a fact that I never will.

I'd never let it slip my mind how it was the night you passed on without saying goodbye. Or was that really just my fault? Maybe I should have called. Maybe I should have left you a message. All my tears are now worthless. Nothing brings you back. No amount of apologies would be sufficient to ever replace where you stand in my life. I'd say I miss you but it's only going to be a cliche like no other and it's just going to seem like I'm in denial. I'd say I love you but what does it matter now that you aren't here to ever know it anymore?

It's been a 100 days and going through that prayer this morning made me remember that it's real. It wasn't just a dream. It wasn't just an imagination. It wasn't just a lie like any other. It was the truth. It was a reality. It was what has to be accepted. And today...it marks your 100th day. That's 2400 hours, 144,000 minutes and 8,640,000 seconds. All that and the clock continues to tick. All that...and it's still a reality I refuse to believe. All that...and nothing will ever change.

And today I realized...we don't have a lot of pictures together, do we? I'm sorry.

I love you.