Striving on

So I realized that my blog was getting a little boring, albeit it having promises of being a little more exciting. I had even posted up an apology for having been missing for such a long time no thanks to my assignments and a whole new environment for me to learn. Oh, and I have an early morning class tomorrow yet here I am, muttering on my own zone.

Well, let's see what's in my mind. For one, I had followed my boyfriend to his friend's place tonight because his friend's father (phew, that's pretty far off) had a fourth stage lung cancer. Initially, my boy had shown signs of concerns of whether or not I would be comfortable being there. Truth be told, I wasn't too sure if I could hold on to my feelings and my emotions giving that I had lost quite a number of friends and family to cancer; if not any other diseases. However, I did give in and followed him anyway because it didn't seem fair that he gave up the chance to visit his friend's father out of sheer courtesy all because of me. Funny enough, reaching that house wasn't too bad at all.

I'm not sure if it were because of the fact that it was a huge company of people that went along or that the uncle seemed pretty chirpy for a man who had gone along so much of suffering. We were gathered in uncle's "bedroom"; the living room that had simply been turned into a place of resting for the sick man. The uncle was a bony man, with thinning hair and a low keyed voice. The pain on his face immediately struck me to remember about Uncle Koon San who had passed on years back of lung cancer too. It made me wonder for a while, was this uncle just as how Uncle Koon San was? Was he just as cheery, just as plump and just as strong? My questions are unanswered and I'm guessing they never will be.

As uncle described his course of this 6 year battle with the cancer, it became obvious that he was a tired man. When he clasped his hands together and closed his eyes, I would note that shaky voice from his aching throat as he slowly uttered every word through his every war with this disease that had taken so much away from him. Chemotherapy had taken away his strength while every virus that was feasting away on his cells and bones had taken away his very will to carry on. What it really did give him back though, was his family. His efforts to go on an escapade with his children and wife was inspiring as he continued to fight every horror through his body because he did not want to waste away his final years just lying by the bed and awaiting for the light to shine.

It got me thinking though...what had really made this one man; who had all the rights to give up to keep going on? What gave him the strength to keep pushing forward to fight with those virus that were clearly just eating him up piece by piece? He could have easily just quit, he could have just gave in to those cancer cells and said his goodbyes to his friends and family. Why stick around? Why go through all that pain? Why go through all that suffering with a life dependent on medicines and therapies that hurt and yet not guarantee a recovery?

I guess sometimes some questions would just be left in the dark, without an answer, without a solution and yet still existent. Sometimes, life is just about striving on without a reason. Sometimes, you just live.

When we left, the first thing my boyfriend asked was if I was fine. I nodded without a hesitation. On the way home, he asked again; stating that I was too quiet to be myself and it was definite that there were something on my mind. Here you go, boy. Here's what was in my mind. Every little detail of it. As for that uncle, I hope God blesses you for all the strength you have. Let there be peace and comfort in your life, because you've really gone through more than any regular human should. Here, I'd like to quote a line from the bible though I am a Buddhist. It does seem appropriate...and seemingly meaningful since the day I've come across these words.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

You're a man of faith, uncle. I see it. And for all your sufferings, you've really done yourself proud. You've taught me an invaluable lesson tonight. That life; no matter how difficult, is really worth living for. There's still much to see, much to learn and much to explore. That matters. Good night. :)