Missing you. Wanting you. Never getting you.

Our only family photo. Our final Chinese New Year together. 01/02/2011.

As some may know by now, I had recently lost my grandfather to...well...our creator. Fate had taken over and just taken him away from me. Some may also know that this had affected me deeply, having been close to my grandfather throughout my living. For the pass week, I've been crying, moping, mourning and doing nothing but just that. Speaking about him hurt. Thinking about him hurt. Remembering him hurt. Not having him hurt. Knowing he will never return...hurt the most.

But in time, things will be okay. And along with my friends having been here for me, it's going on good. The one thing is that I'm learning to accept that he is gone forever. I quote Colin (who called me selfish when I told him that I had wanted my grandfather back) : he's in a happier place now. Wonderfully enough, Wai Kin had said the same thing along with the fact that you are in no pain. You have left peacefully and you are happier now. You're watching us from above, probably fishing with endless Chinese tea to enjoy.

And as cheesy as this may sound, I have GOT to thank each and everyone who's been here for me throughout. Firstly of course, to Mr.Ng Wai Kin who happens to be my boyfriend (Gasp! Look!) who has been supportive since the day my grandfather had been hospitalized. Thanks for letting me cry on you for hours that night. And taking me out the day after just to take my mind off things. Thanks for rushing over just as you got the news of his passing although you were having fun at Blister. Thanks for your endless texts telling me that it's going to be okay and for sticking around even when I pushed you away. For finding you, I thank God. And then there's Heather Foo a.k.a my daughter who's also been extremely supportive...making stupid jokes in the middle of the night with me just to make me smile again. Your middle of the night BBM sessions with me are just...priceless. I can't thank you enough for lending your ear to me that whole week. For that you deserve two thumbs up along with a whole load of hugs and kisses. If you want the kisses that is.

To my sister from another father and mother (Heh...) Sue Yin, thanks for calling me and wasting all your credit just to hear me cry and do nothing but cry. We probably didn't even exchange more than 10 words that night yet you just stayed on the phone for a good 15 minutes or so just to have me bawl and mourn. And your texts along the way of my 4 hours ride to hell helped. Muakx I love you sis! To Colin Lim Shen Min (I was just super tempted to do that for some reason) who has done nothing but tell me to chill from the start (pfft) and also told me to not be selfish and be happy that ah kong's in a happier place, you are still an ass. But thanks. Things will work out, and he is at a better place. It's about time I believed that for real. Stop telling me to chill la! Haijoh!

My ji mui, Callie who's also been around to check on me once in a while, text me, call me and do the naughtiest of things with me...thank you so so much. Thanks for translating my words into Chinese and for telling me things I could never have thought of myself. Smart girl you are. I hope your phone gets repaired soon. It's a torture not to text you. Really. To Pri, who spent silent moments slowly taking me through the paths in the library just to open my heart up and speak...thank you!!! I can see now why you're everyone's mama. Thanks for re-opening your own wounds just to help close mine. And that few hours on BBM just to talk about life, how it sucks, how it rocks and most importantly, how it works...really opened my eyes to a different perspective to things. Thanks for telling me that it's okay to be a rebel and also for understanding me without having to tell you things. I like you, mama. It feels almost abnormal to be so close to someone like you but hey there I am, close as can be! So yes, I like  you!

Oh oh and not forgetting Makesh who's been BBM-ing me non stop regardless how ridiculous I sound over my messages, thanks buddy. You've been a great help to me too. I never realized how close I could be with you until such things happen. It's sad to know that I never noticed it earlier. Okay la, you deserve a big hug...only if you stop poking at my height. I know you're a giant. And I'm tiny. Don't rub it in.

Of course, to every other friend of mine out there who's also been around to listen to my rants, wipe away my tears, hold me up when I'm falling and for making stupid ass jokes just to see me smile again, thank you. It's going to be a long road to recovery for me now, along with everything stacking up to be fine again. I'm not going anywhere soon, as much as my screaming on Twitter sounds. I know it's been irritating to see my tweet stupid words and to wish for things one should never wish for so thanks for having such patience to ignore me. I kinda like that in each and everyone of you. This will never be something easy for any of us in the family yet we are all slowly but surely pulling through. It really sucks to know that my grandfather will never be around to see me graduate from college or to know that he will never get to watch me pick out the love of my life but as (again) Colin says, he's watching from above. I repeat over Pri (because she made me), life is beautiful. It's a pain in the ass but it is amazing at the same time. Life is amazingly a pain in the ass. Yes, I think that sounds just about appropriate. Not.

I'm learning. And I'm possibly never going to be the same as I used to. But you know, in time I'll be fine. I'm always going to remember that I had a grandfather who loved me more than anyone else in this world, and that he's always watching from above. I'm always going to remember that huge belly as I walk into that apartment we once called home. Rifle Range, Ayer Itam will always be a memory. Chowrasta Market is probably always going to be a place of disgust...and I thank God we no longer live there. Penang...is always going to be home. :)

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