It's all part of growing up

Okay, I'm aware that it's pretty late at night but I'm still online and irritating the life out of everyone BUT I have a good reason for this post! So hear my out before you judge me, okay? You see...as a kid, I never liked wearing dresses or skirts. Honestly, I felt that those were for people who were weak and wanted attention or protection. Thus I always wore jeans and long ones for that matter. I also always wore hand-me-downs from my brother, so I didn't really have a long list to pick and choose from.

I also had this huge self esteem thing going round me because I gained an immense amount of weight when I turned 11, not to mention the crap that I did and regret up to date. So when I packed on those pounds, I turned to wearing ONLY long jeans or lose fitting khakis because then it wouldn't be too obvious to the naked eye. I also turned to wearing larger t-shirts thus making the weight gain less obvious. I suppose it is true that you remember most of the things that you do as a kid when compared to the things you do as an adolescent. Sure, there's a lot of memorable stuff in life but you would remember your childhood pretty clearly; especially when you have done something so regrettable and you are still hoping and praying for forgiveness from those you have disappointed.

Anyway, I suppose as you grow up; you would find yourself learning from your mistakes and walking away from your past. You'll become someone stronger, someone better and hopefully someone rather more acceptable to the society. However, does changing really show the world who you are? Does it tell the people around you that you have a completely personality? Can you really change from being someone with a dark past to someone who's come to a bright future? Truth is, the only person who can answer that is YOU. Nobody has the right to tell you how to live your life. Nobody has the power to make you become someone else. You are the master of your fate. Hold on tight, this is going to be the ride of your life.

So after all that useless rants, I'm going to show all you loyal readers something. This is who I used to be. I was never one with the beautiful smile, nor was I the one with a graceful gesture. I was the one who set up barriers, built up protections and honestly thought that nobody cared. I was the one who believed that no matter what, you are the only one who would save you. My guess is that for those who has watched me grow up, you would have watched me grow up from this. You would have seen this part of my life. I'm not ashamed of this. Not one bit. Because this is who I was. And this is who I am. It's just all part of growing up.


I once wore braces. Black shirts were a norm. Long jeans were nothing new. I apply gel to my fringe and the rest are just tied into a tail. If I were a guy, I'd be your perfect boyfriend. However, I am perfectly straight. This picture was taken when I was in late Form 4 and I was 16 that year. It may be only 3 years since I've been who I was in that picture, but it is still taking me all the energy I have to be someone new. I am changing; not for anyone else but myself. I suppose it is safe for me to admit that I still have self esteem issues, because the courage to apply make up and turn up in a dress still does not exist in me. When someone comments about my weight, I immediately cringe because of my past. When someone tells me I'm short, I laugh it off though I die a little inside. When someone says I'm not feminine enough, I smile and thank them but deep inside, I'm hurting more than ever. 


In every corner of the world, someone is born hourly. Someone new exists. But that does not mean the old is gone. It just means that there is a fresher hope. I suppose I could call this the road to growing up. Where you see things in a different perspective and a different light. I may have grown; for better or for worst but I am always going to be me. If you've seen me past my shadows, or beyond the mask that hides my pain...congratulations. Because you've met who I am. Or at least a different me. You could love it or you could hate it. But one day; when we've all grown up...when we've all become someone else...you will see that you've changed too. For the society, for your family, for your friends and for yourself...you are someone better.


But by the end of the day; no matter how much you have grown, just believe that you are who you are. Nothing and nobody changes that. Am going to leave you to your thoughts right now. Because honestly, you're bored already eh? Plus, I have classes tomorrow. See you around. Or not. :)

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