Forever A Little Child

I've been ranting a lot lately. And I've also been spending SOME quality time with my parents...which is a pretty good thing, right? Well, I suppose it could be so considering I've been neglecting my boyfriend a little and vice versa anyway.

Yesterday was probably one of those good father and daughter days where I had my dad take me to the night market in SS2.

Sneaky shot I got with my phone. Daddy's pulling me all around just like old times.

Truth be told, my dad's hand is still better to hold compared to my boyfriend's. It's like my hand fits nicer and I've got that safe and tough grip from him as though he lives only to protect his child. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in my father's mind. Does he ever wonder if he's a good husband? Does he ever figure if he's an amazing father? Would he ask if he's a worthy enough friend? Would he guess if he's done enough as a staff in his company? Sometimes I look at this man who's been around my life since I was born and I think about how blessed I am to have a person I can count on at times when I'm in trouble. A man who loves me although I tick him off time and time again. A man I whose white hair I count as time goes by. Sometimes, I sit and wonder...

Today, I had mummy hug me right in front of Jusco and the only thing she told me was, "You smell like how you always do. Like that small baby I once I carried in my hands." That was just it. She smiled, sniffed at my cheeks and walked around with my hand draped lazily over her shoulder. Throughout walking, the only thing that played in my mind was...HOW DID I EVEN SMELL?! Funny isn't it, how one word from your parent could mean so much? I had a scent? I smelled like something? But what? It was silly, but it felt so special...to have a scent my mother remembers so well. To still be that naughty little girl who ran up and down instead of the 20 year old who wants nothing more than to sleep. I was always just Yunqan to her. It didn't matter how much I ignored her when she says something silly or ridiculous to my thoughts, it didn't matter if I never listened to her advices that I always thought I was too old to receive...I was just who I always am to my mum. Probably just that same, boyish character-ed child who wanted nothing but to walk away in her own realm of music.

Sometimes I look at both my parents and figure...I'm actually turning 20 this year. My brother is actually 26 now. My parents aren't exactly getting younger by the day, are they? Sometimes I reflect back and think...well...I haven't exactly been the best daughter of all either. Perhaps I've ignored them too much. Perhaps I've been in my own world too often. Perhaps I've just been a person whom I've never been for a while now. But they've never given up. They never will, regardless the mistakes I make. I'm all their hopes right now...but what exactly do they see in me to think I have the ability to live up to my promises to them?

I'm still that little child, clinging onto a huge dream that one day I'd be someone big. That one day I'd be someone special. One day...I could be that person I want to be too. Maybe just that one...fine...day. For now though, I'll just be a little child. Always.

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