People Come & People Go

I had initially wanted to hit off this post in a happy note but the moment my father knocked on my door, my mood just fell and my heart went straight off to my godmother who is now back in the hometown. Why were things so difficult in life? Why was it that people just come and go? Why was it that in a matter of years, I had to lose so many around me yet see so little arise with me? To this, I seek a mere solemn silence in remembering the grumpy old man I used to come home to meet whenever he visited. The one who would shout across the hall to ask for water and the one whom I shamefully feared whenever I went back.

Myself; I have never understood the true meaning of death when my granduncle or Uncle Rajen passed on. I have never felt such emotions overwhelming me as my Acha and Uncle Swithin died and most of all, I have never experienced such piercing hurt, depression and exhaustion until the day my own grandfather left me for good; without a warning, without a greeting, without a goodbye. I have never understood the matter that God having to take our beloved people away one by one. Just as a wound heals, another opens. Like a sand to the cut, each more painful than another. Each simply deeper than the one before and everyone leaves a scar worst than ever.

I have never understood the true meaning of acceptance to death nor the fact that some live in denial. What was there to accept? What was there to deny? What was the truth? And what was a myth? Could you simply accept that the man or woman you have once known; strong and well has passed on? Or could you deny that you loved one is in a better place? As a child, I never approached coffins for the fear of vampires. And as I grow, I have never approached a coffin for the guilt that I feel deep inside as I stare right into their soulless bodies.

Each day as I lay in bed remembering all these people around me, I wonder if I have ever wasted a moment with them? Have I treated them well? Have I made my peace with the ones with me? Or have I created nothing but disappointment in their eyes? Would I have gotten them proud to have known me once? To have watched me grow and to have seen me, speak to me, hear me and be with me? Each day passes; one more difficult than the next and yet with courage, we go through it. With a sense of belonging, we walk ahead. Clueless little chess pieces of God, we simply trod on the path we make. No one is immortal. And through this, I learn.

Rest in peace, Ah Kong. I believe in your 100 over years in life, you have seen much more than I could ever see, you have heard much more than I could ever hear, you have faced much more than I could ever face and you have experienced much more than I could ever imagine. This is your break, this is your time, this is your moment to rest and I hope more than anything that you are happier wherever you are. Pain free, guilt free, problem free; this is your final departure in the stage of men and I bid you a simple adieu with a whisper to find a new life better than what you have on this day.

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