Movie Review: The Lone Ranger

By Elie - 3:00 AM

Justice is what I seek, Kemosabe

Before I start my review I'd just like to ask: What has happened to Johnny Depp? WHY is he so fat now? The question ends here and the review begins. That's right, I got off to the Nuffnang Premiere Screening of The Lone Ranger last night at Paradigm Mall and my plus one was none other than my beautiful mummy herself!

I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to hold up tickets. *Dush*

Setting off as a remake, The Lone Ranger stars Johnny Depp (HOMAIGAWD) and Armie Hammer and it's set mainly in the deserts, canyons and trains. Trust me on this, I felt like I was in a completely different world, going all wild wild west and what not. The movie itself was fairly enjoyable to watch with a fair share of humour and seriousness both thrown in for good entertainment.
Bam! Always just walking away from action.
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Lots of people mentioned how it's not quite a good movie and doesn't do the old "Lone Ranger" series any justice but I suppose it's okay for a first timer like me. Lots of actions, guns and blood has been thrown in just to live up to the atmosphere of being in the "cowboy" mood but you shouldn't have the need to feel like you ought to wear boots to the cinema just to catch up on things.

I don't know why I have weird paintings on my face...
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Johnny Depp is back with his regular oddity - always just being who he always have been. An honest confession? I've never watched Pirates of the Caribbean so I often wondered who this Johnny Depp person is and confused him as Orlando Bloom for a while. Do NOT kill me, fans. Whatever it is, I still found out later on who Johnny Depp is so it's all good now okay? I think he did a mediocre job as Tonto in The Lone Ranger, carrying few liners of weird antics yet being funny enough to bring the whole cinema to laughs. However, I felt that it lacked the natural "Johnny Depp" touch so it's probably not quite the best there is out there. The one thing I really want to know though is the brand of his make up. It NEVER smears! It doesn't run when he gets out of the water, it doesn't spread off when he is at the desert and it just doesn't go away! Tell me your secret, Kemosabe!

Cue me a sexy song!
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Armie Hammer is John Reid a.k.a The Lone Ranger of this movie and my question to him is: DEAR GOD WHY DID HE HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THE SUIT?! He actually looked like a decent man in that handsome suit but that's just his entrance look I suppose. *Sighs loudly* The chemistry between Reid and Tonto was just a fair share but I truly hated how Reid's character was written as such an idiot who believed in nothing but justice and law. It doesn't exist! (Hint: Blackout) Hammer plays a believable Reid but it was nothing quite to shout about actually. His moves were slick, his face looks great yet that was just about it and nothing else. The use of the picture above is a bonus to his act, really.

Oh my God, I'm truly ugly.
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A really good and notable act however has got to be from William Fichtner who took on the role of Butch Cavendish; the protagonist and reason that there was this movie to begin with. He was truly convincing and I had just about as much a wish to punch him in the face as Tonto and Reid but not because of the justice that I want to uphold or the revenge I want to take. Oh no, I just wanted to punch him because he was ugly. But with that itself, you would know he has done a good job in portraying his character. Good job.

Just to wrap up, The Lone Ranger can actually be a good weekend laugh if you're interested in killing off some good 2 and a half hours (Yes, it was that long and draggy) but just don't go in with extremely high hopes. Think mediocre, please. The jokes are pretty hilarious and simple with very minimal thinking involved and I do hope you'd be laughing just as loud or even louder than my mum and I have during the premiere. Not a super movie but not that ridiculous either. I'll have you at a 6/10 on my personal scale just for the sake of the laughs and Johnny Depp...and his make up. Oh and if you DO put your thoughts into it, there's actually an element that teaches you the bad thing about being greedy and the karma that follows. Good luck wondering how and when.

P/S: Someone or THING else in the movie actually quite deserves a good mention too! Lo and behold...

Something very wrong with that horse.
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Well, just for laughs. He did lots of work in the movie too, okay? As a repayment for having to handle my lameness, here's a song for you to listen to. You're welcome.

Rumour has it that my dad spent more than RM 50 many years back buying a CD that had this William Tell song just because I did some sexy butt shake in the CD store when I heard it playing and everyone else wanted to see me do it again and again at home. Glad my butt entertained you guys, dear family. I love you all.

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